By Joseph Kabuleta
President Museveni and his covitriplets Monica Musenero, Diana Atwine and Ruth Aceng must be toasting their wine glasses over the emergence of a new variant in South Africa.
Just like the Brazilian, Indian and Delta (UK) variants flew faster than jumbo jets across oceans and skipped all countries in-between to lay siege on Uganda, I can guarantee you that the South African brand will soon show up in our country, and it will be welcomed by the president himself.
MUSEVENI: Welcome to Uganda. Dare I ask what took you so long?
NEW VARIANT: “I knew you were getting impatient but we had to decide where I should be launched from.
MUSEVENI: What do you mean?
NEW VARIANT: You see, the world was beginning to move on, and we don’t want that. However, our bosses had to decide where to launch our long-awaited comeback from.
MUSEVENI: So why didn’t they choose Uganda? You know you’re always welcome here
NEW VARIANT: “Oh, as a matter of fact, you were one of the candidates, that’s why Bill Gates recently visited your country. The other candidate was Australia. You see, Australia, Uganda and South Africa were chosen because they have impressed our bosses with their ability to instill a true COFIT tyranny like we dreamed it.
MUSEVENI: I am glad you appreciate
NEW VARIANT: Africa hasn’t originated any variant, and there are very few deaths on this continent. Besides, our push to inject that gene-modification therapy we falsely call vaccine has yielded little fruit in Africa (less than 6% jabbed). So we chose to launch the next variant in Africa. May be this might convince Africans to get the jab.
But I read somewhere that you got your special jab from the Chinese, right?
(Museveni nods)
I am sure they gave you the proper antidote; because they want you alive for many more years so that you can continue to sell your country’s assets to them for peanuts. You are an asset the Chinese cannot afford to lose.
MUSEVENI: But why did you choose South Africa over Uganda?
NEW VARIANT: They’re a bigger country. It would attract more attention. But I made my way here, didn’t I?
MUSEVENI: I am grateful you came because, you see, my government cannot function without you Mr COFIT.
NEW VARIANT: Really? I didn’t realize that you needed me that bad
MUSEVENI: Before you came, my NRM party had no ideology. I gambled with Pan Africanism, then I tried East African integration but none of them would stick. But your arrival cracked that puzzle. Now our ideology is COVID. That virus must be yellow. Also, before you came in March 2000, we could scarcely get a loan from anywhere. But now loan money is flowing like crazy. And with you, Mr New Variant, getting supplementary budgets in parliament has been as easy as ABC.
Before you came, impoverishing Ugandans was a long and onerous task because this country is resilient. But with you at my side, I have achieved in two years what I had failed to do in 30 years.
NEW VARIANT: Please continue
MUSEVENI: I have locked them up, destroyed their business capital, killed the middle class, and turned them into dependants on government handouts. And guess who government is…
NEW VARIANT: Let me guess (wink wink)..you?
MUSEVENI (Laughter). And I was getting praise and accolades from them for being a life saver even as I destroyed their livelihoods.
So now that they are dependent on me, tell me how I can fail to install my son as President?
Of course the young man hasn’t made it easy for me either. I wish he could get off Twitter!!!
NEW VARIANT: I have seen some of his tweets and I cringed.
Silence….
MUSEVENI: Let’s change the subject
NEW VARIANT: We should be getting on our way (stands up)
MUSEVENI: As grateful as I am to you Mr New Variant, I cannot help but wish you had come earlier.
NEW VARIANT: Like when?
MUSEVENI: Before I had promised the people that I would open up the country in January. But I blame that on my neighbors Kenya and Rwanda who went and released their cows from the paddocks and left me no excuse. So I was forced to promise a new year re-opening.
Now it might be difficult for us to walk back our tyranny. Of course I could ask my girls at Ministry of Health to work up the numbers, spread some money in the media to instill fear, but I doubt it would work.
Some sharp people were beginning to wonder why bomb blasts showed up as soon as old COFIT variants started disappearing. That was a difficult question for us to answer. But now that you’re here Mr New Variant, we might not see bombs in Kampala again. It’s almost as if the suicide bombers fear they might die of COFIT.
LAUGHTER ALL AROUND
They will take you to your hotel.
I hope you don’t mind sharing space with your colleagues from India, Brazil, China and the UK, who have been in Uganda for several months now.
Kabuleta is a former presidential candidate
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